My good friend Justin shared this picture with me on Facebook. If there's anything we want to kill each other over, it's politics. We think Democrats are elitist hippie snobs that want to ban everything they deem objectionable (assault rifles, violent video games, SUVs) and Republicans are ass-backwards, knuckle-dragging cavemen who think Jesus is the solution to all things. But in essence, they're both the same party—they both take money from corporations and both suck at what they do.
One of the most popular things to do is blame the President for all the problems that are going on in America, but most people don't realize that Congress is to blame for the mess we're all in. We voted them in, so essentially, we get what we deserve. Yes, the same "we" that thought cutting ourselves because Justin Bieber decided to smoke marijuana was a good idea (not making this up, people have actually gone through with it).
Congress is less popular than things such as Nickelback, Donald Trump, root canals, France, and the brussel sprouts your mom might have made you eat as a kid. But the things that are more popular than Congress don't even need to explain why they're more popular, but the things that are less popular—yes, the things that actually scored below the nine percent approval rating that Congress has at the moment—need to explain themselves as to how they managed to scrape the very bottom of the barrel. Here are some reasons why the following people have the dubious distinction of being less popular than Congress.
Lindsay Lohan
Disney stars tend to fade faster than the jeans you're wearing, and Lindsay Lohan is no exception. After Mean Girls began the slow descent into cocaine and alcohol-fueled madness and multiple stints in rehab, which was pretty much all the tabloid fodder you needed in the late 2000s.
Playground bullies
They took your lunch, gave you wedgies, and beat the shit out of you if you tried to fight back. Yet, they're still better than...
Telemarketers
This is one of the reasons I no longer keep a house phone—despite being on the Do Not Call list, you still get calls from these assholes. I've never gotten any telemarketing BS on my cell phone (aside from some dubious collection agency bullshit).
The Kardashians
Reality TV is too easy to pick on—the Kardashians make it a lot easier because it squarely falls into that category. What exactly have they done? Their father was a high-profile lawyer that represented O.J. Simpson in his murder trial, and that was about it. So they're basically living off of their dead father's money and dating rich black guys such as Kanye West and Lamar Odom.
John Edwards
Ironically, he was also part of Congress as a senator from North Carolina, and was once the running mate of 2004 U.S. Presidential candidate John Kerry.
Long story short, he cheated on his wife who was battling cancer and did a bang up job of trying to cover it up with illegally obtained campaign money. He had to eventually admit to the whole thing after people put two and two together and realized that he wasn't such a nice guy. He also fathered a child with his mistress. His wife died in 2010 of breast cancer. One of the biggest dick moves of all time. But wait, there's more!
Lobbyists
These guys are basically the people with money that want politicians to do what they want (as opposed to what the people want) by paying them money. Essentially, it's a subtle way to carry out bribes.
Fidel Castro
Basically ran a communist dictatorship right next door. There was also this whole "Bay of Pigs" thing where we went to DEFCON 3 and almost had nukes launched at us. Anyone who has taken a history class should know this guy.
Gonorrhea
It's an STD. It's also known as the clap, and one of its effects is that there is a burning sensation when you take a leak. Wear protection, kids.
Communism
With all this talk about Obama being a socialist, people in the Socialist Party USA themselves have even said that Obama is just as much of a capitalist as his own predecessor. Communism is basically socialism with authoritarian elements, i.e. if you show dissent towards the regime, you get shot, jailed, or have to do forced labor. This form of government is only present in North Korea and Cuba.
North Korea
They beef up their military while starving their own people using an authoritarian style of government. It's like they hit the jackpot on how not to run a country.
Meth labs
Meth: not even once.
Things that were left out (but should have been included anyway for obvious reasons)
Nicki Minaj, Justin Bieber, Comic Sans font, Honey Boo Boo, Teen Mom, Chris Brown, Internet Explorer, crack cocaine, Insane Clown Posse fans/juggalos, Natural Light beer, M. Night Shyamalan and his movies, cancer, piranhas, pickles, Osama bin Laden, pedophiles, rapists, Dragonball: Evolution, One Direction, GameFAQs moderators, YouTube commenters, etc.
No comments:
Post a Comment